Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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