He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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