i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
