im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
