You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
