Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
