Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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