I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
there is glitter all over my balls
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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