I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
