I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
