So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
