filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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