At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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