does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
