Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
