i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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