you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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