I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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