New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
