He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
