A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
