dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
