Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
