somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Your cock deserves a montage
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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