she woke up with a sticky ear
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
