She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
