my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
