I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
