none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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