question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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