dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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