So drunk, too bad you don't want this
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
