Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I want a musical about memes.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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