My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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