I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
