do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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