Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
