I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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