I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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