why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
