they need to just BURY HIM!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
