why didn't you poke me back
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
