Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
don't judge my taste in strippers
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