Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
