how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
