Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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