I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
