i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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