I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
