Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
