I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
