I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize