I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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