new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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