apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
