1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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