I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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