i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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