Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
