Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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