i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
