It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You can't just leave with hair like that
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
